Having taught couples communications skills for the last 7 years I’ve learned that you can’t simply replace “bad” communication patterns with “good” ones.
You can’t stop judging, yelling, insulting, arguing or stonewalling and start speaking with a compassionate tone, deeply listen, and use emotional intelligence just because you know it’s better to do so.
If you try to do that you’ll both start arguing about how the other is doing it wrong and nothing will change.
The first step to stop your negative communication patterns is to understand your patterns.
Why do you yell?
Why do you judge?
Why do you stonewall?
When you discover the deeper reasons behind your behavior, which always point somewhere inside that is very tender and vulnerable, then you can start to heal as a couple and your communication patterns will improve.